Comedy Corner 


I am dyslexia of borg        resistance is fruity...your arse will be laminated

 

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


A carrier of tales

Have you heard the story about the US Navy pilot during WW2 who was incredibly accident prone? During his training he wrote off several aircraft in various accidents and continued to create havoc when he began his duties aboard a carrier. Eventually his squadron reached the fighting area and were due to make their first active sortie against the Japanese.

Before take-off his commanding officer drew him to one side and said, "Now look here Pavlovski, I want you to stay 2 miles behind and 5000 feet above the rest of the guys. Just watch what goes on and stay out of trouble."

So he dutifully did as he was told and followed along at a safe distance. After a while his attention was caught by a flight of Zero's which were above the squadron, hidden from them in the sun and obviously about to attack. He quickly climbed to a position above the Japanese planes and attacked them out of the sun just in time to forestall their surprise attack.

He shot down two of the Zero's and most of the others were destroyed by his squadron. Having finally made good, he was overjoyed and hurried back to the carrier where he made a perfect landing - which was an event in itself.

Switching off, he jumped out of his plane and hurried up to the commanding officer. "What do you think of that then, Sir?" he asked proudly. The officer looked him up and down with a strange light in his eyes.

"Velly funny, Amelican swine", he replied.

 


Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

Why did I crash?     My glasses fogged up !


How do you get a cow out of a spin?

............... Full opposite udder!!


Smart Pilot...

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're going to get help..."

Feeling nervous?

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been   informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back   and take it easy.

It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of   the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humour.."


The Ram Goes Down.

 A keen slope-soarer was exploring the hills around Castleton, looking for likely new sites. He chanced upon Eldon Hole, a large pothole on the southern slopes of Eldon Hill, which is 245 feet deep. Intrigued he threw a rock into the abyss hoping to gauge its depth. His efforts met only with silence. He looked around for something bigger and found an old railway sleeper half buried in the ground. He managed to lever it free and dragged it to the edge of the shaft where a gentle push sent it plummeting downwards.

It was then that he heard an ominous rumbling behind him. He turned to see an old ram, head down, charging determinedly straight for him. He managed to step aside, just in time, but the hapless animal carried straight on and fell into the hole to certain death. The slope-soarer realised that there was nothing he could do and continued on his way.

He met the local farmer and passed the time of day with him.

"Isn't that hole up there rather dangerous?" he said.

"Yes it is." Said the farmer, "but I've put an old ram in the field to frighten people off."

"Aren't you afraid of the ram falling down the hole?" asked the slope-soarer.

"Oh no danger of that " replied the farmer " I've got him tied up to an old railway sleeper!"

P Thornley


ANCIENT PROVERB

A superior pilot uses his superior skills

to avoid situations that would require his superior skills to get out of.


If the prop is intact... I haven't landed yet.


Several pilots were boasting about who flew the biggest aircraft. "My plane is so big, it can carry a football team and 2,000 supporters," said the first.

" That's nothing," scoffed the second. "You could play a football match in mine! "

" Well listen to this," began the third. "During my last flight I heard a strange noise so I told my co-pilot to take the car and drive down to the tail-end and check it out. Two hours later he came back’ Someone had left a window open,’ he reported. ‘A jumbo jet had flown in and was buzzing round the light.’"


Flight Instruction -

Success guaranteed or your balsa dust back ! !


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites ?


If it ain't broke, your not trying hard enough **


To quote a famous movie personality.

It may not be flying, but it is falling with style.


A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in management."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help;
and you're in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."


If you launch your plane with the receiver off, & it flies better, you
probably shouldn’t be in the sport................


I was Sitting next to a chap in the departure lounge, Turning to me he said, “God I hate
flying. Hate it ! I can’t think of a single reason why the plane should stay up in the air.
I mean, if something goes wrong, that’s it - you’ve had it.
If God wanted us to fly he’d have given us wings.”
I said, “So why are you flying, then?”

“I’ve got to,” he replied, “I’m the pilot.”


It must be very difficult being a navy pilot.

How do you get the boats to fly ?


If the crew of the Starship Enterprise boldly go where no one has gone before , why do they always meet someone when they get there ?


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